


all you'll ever be is a nightmare and a wet dream

by intoxicatelou



Series: what happens in Vegas doesn't always stay in Vegas [1]
Category: Veep (TV)
Genre: Accidental Marriage, Canon Divergence, Dan Egan Never Left Politics, Dirty Talk, Drunken Kissing, Las Vegas Wedding, M/M, Married Sex, Mildly Dubious Consent, Post-S7, Semi-Public Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-04
Updated: 2020-02-04
Packaged: 2021-02-28 02:26:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22556290
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/intoxicatelou/pseuds/intoxicatelou
Summary: If they’d been even a smidgen less drunk, logical reasoning would’ve kicked in and Dan wouldn’t be here — pushed against a confession box with Jonah’s mouth leaving biting kisses on his neck, moonlight pouring through the chapel windows.
Relationships: Dan Egan/Jonah Ryan
Series: what happens in Vegas doesn't always stay in Vegas [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1598494
Comments: 3
Kudos: 27
Collections: Chocolate Box - Round 5





	all you'll ever be is a nightmare and a wet dream

**Author's Note:**

  * For [FreeGratis](https://archiveofourown.org/users/FreeGratis/gifts).



> hello recip!! I went a little overboard with your whole Vegas wedding idea because it really struck a chord with me and I couldn't stop thinking about it so, I thought I would write the backstory to "don't call me baby again" as a treat for you,,,because,,, why not! 
> 
> I know you waived your DNW for alcohol use but I just want to remind you that this does have that in there even though it's not very dubious since clearly both partners are very into it despite the chaos of their decisions! as always comments/kudos welcome! hope you enjoy xx
> 
> title is one of my favorite lyrics from "blonde hair, black lungs" by sorority noise

Dan can’t remember how he got here, sitting in a kitschy red velvet corner booth next to The Vice President of The United States, who also happens to be his sworn arch-nemesis but now that Dan’s here, with Jonah’s hand heavy on his knee, he doesn’t really see the point of moving. 

“Hey, yeah I’ll have another whiskey  — ” Jonah says, flagging down a waiter, before glancing sideways at Dan, his palm sliding upward just enough that Dan’s breath hitches,“and get my bitch another one of those frilly Watermelon margaritas. Extra sugar on the rim.” 

_ “ _ Fuck you,” Dan mutters, but there’s no heat to the statement even though he knew if his insides weren’t so coated in the honey warmth of the tequila shots they’d just done, he’d be far more furious. 

“You wish,” Jonah says, smarmily and Dan wants to bite back, but then Jonah’s eyes are dipping to his lips, a look Dan can only describe as  _ hungry,  _ and he miraculously doesn’t feel a drop of anger. Instead, Dan gives Jonah one of his trademark feral grins, which roughly translates to something between  _ bite me  _ and  _ good thing you’re paying bastard.  _

“W-Will that be all?” The waiter stutters and it looks like Dan isn’t the only one who’d forgotten their audience. The waiter’s eyes widened before Jonah’s fumbling with his wallet and slipping him a Benjamin, with those gawky, big, long fingers.  _ Fuck,  _ Dan almost says, already imagining where those fingers could go before the night was over. “Yeah, and keep it quiet, alright. We’re here on official state business, so if anyone asks, you didn’t serve drinks to the Vice President. ” 

Dan snorts, as the waiter wordlessly nods and leaves them alone again, in a corner booth in some Vegas casino bar. “So I’m your bitch now, huh?” Dan asks, unable to let it go, and Jonah doesn’t miss a beat, turning in the booth so that his thighs were a hard line of heat underneath where Dan was all but straddling him, a hand rubbing lazy circles into Dan’s waist. 

“Yeah, tonight you are, Danny boy.” Jonah’s breath is boozy and warm, where it fans against Dan’s face. Dan doesn’t know how they managed to get so close so fast, spines leaning toward each other like magnets. 

“As if, Jonad. You wish you could lock down a fine piece of ass like mine.” Dan snarks, all teeth but Jonah doesn’t even get mad, if anything his gaze turns warmer, and he pulls Dan in by the tie to kiss him again. 

Dan can’t help but lick into Jonah’s mouth, amazed at how ridiculously good it feels, even though somewhere a panicked part of his brain is begging him to stop and desperately trying to remember why he decided to leave Richard and the rest of the bachelor party and follow this fuck-up of a man into a corner of a Vegas bar. Last thing he remembers was that they were fighting, as always, hurling insults which were growing less inventive with each round of shots. Somewhere, he thinks, Jonah had said he wanted to sit down and so Dan had followed, because it was part of the job? Right? He was only here because Selina needed someone to keep an eye on him and Amy couldn’t show up to Richard’s Bachelor party because she didn’t have a real dick, just a metaphorical one. And now here he was. Sporting a semi in Jonah Ryan’s lap. Dan Egan, Ladies and Gentlemen, Chief of Staff Most Likely To Fuck The Vice President. 

As soon as Dan wraps up his internal thought, the waiter’s back with their drinks, and Jonah’s breaks the kiss to nod at the waiter, as he places their drinks —a whiskey for Jonah and what can only be described as a red and pink atrocity for Dan. 

Dan picks up his margarita, as Jonah takes a sharp sip of his whiskey. He feels reckless, thoughts pinholing down to where Jonah was still touching him, something almost hard nudging against the inside of Dan’s thighs. It’s instinctual how Dan’s eyes don’t leave Jonah’s as his lips wrap around the curly straw, sucking obscenely. His gaze is steady even when his tongue licks the sugar off the rim, watching Jonah watch him, pupils dilating obviously. 

“Fuck, baby.” Jonah responds, breathing harshly and it’s cliche and far from eloquent, but the endearment settles low in Dan’s stomach. Jonah’s thumb comes to brush away a stray smudge of sugar from the corner of Dan’s mouth, and Dan swallows around his finger, drooling a little finesse be damned.

“Jesus,  _ Dan.” _ Jonah groans, his eyes dark and Dan changes his mind, nothing beats the way Jonah’s mouth curls around his name. “Let’s get the fuck out of here.” 

+

If they’d been even a smidgen less drunk, logical reasoning would’ve kicked in and Dan wouldn’t be here  — pushed against a confession box with Jonah’s mouth leaving biting kisses on his neck, moonlight pouring through the chapel windows. 

“You’re so fucking hot  —  so fucking  —  fuck me” Jonah’s slurring nonsense words in between kisses, thick fingers digging into Dan’s ass, pulling him flush against Jonah’s obvious erection, which like, is clearly proportionate with the rest of Jonah’s freakishly large measurments. Their rhythm is off and Dan’s defintiely chafing inside his Armani dress pants, not to mention Jonah’s dirty talk is worse than a bad porno, but fuck it, Dan’s never been harder in his entire life. 

_ Forgive me, Father  _ Dan thinks abstractly, Catholic guilt surfacing for a moment as Jonah pulls them to the front pew, until Dan’s on his knees in between Jonah’s wide-spread legs. But as soon as the thought arrives, it leaves once Dan’s eyes catch the heat of Jonah’s gaze again. Jonah’s voice is barely a whisper when his palm comes up to caress Dan’s face, surprisingly gentle. “Go on, then. Blow me, Egan.” 

Dan’s dick twitches in his pants, as he leans forward to nuzzle at Jonah through his pants. He doesn’t want to tease, but also needs to take a moment, because holy  _ fuck  _ it was happening. All that Dan can think about is how the most base, perverted part of him had constructed this fantasy the second he’d been introduced to the deformed giant shit-stain that was Jonah Ryan. And now, it would no longer live in his head. Now, after years of their graceless song and dance, it was all coming to head in a poorly lit casino chapel. 

Or it was poorly lit, a second ago, Dan thinks, his fingers freezing on Jonah’s belt buckle as the lights turn on. Jonah blinks rapidly in the face of the bright yellow lights, and Dan scrambles to his feet as quick as he can as the door opens and a priest walks into the room, humming to himself. 

“Oh.” the priest says, stopping halfway down the aisle as he finally notices Dan’s disheveled appearance, how gingerly he stood. “You know people usually save this kind of thing for after the vows.“ 

“Excuse me?” Dan says, finally, incredulous and it’s at that point that Jonah decides to finally stand up and turn around, which  _ fuck.  _ Dan was Chief of Staff, and while he’s certainly important to the Meyer administration he didn’t have a face which would be remembered in future history books, not yet anyway. He wasn’t Jonah Ryan, the veep with 10 million twitter followers. 

The priest’s eyes grow wide as he takes in Jonah’s unbuttoned shirt, and where he was still holding loosely onto Dan’s wrist. “Oh my, You’re. You’re the Vice President” 

“Yeah. Yeah I am.” Jonah smiles sheepishly and Dan hates how it tugs at his drunk heart, how much he wants to kiss that smile again.

“I voted for you!” The priest exclaims, walking up to them now, and Dan breathes a heavy sigh of relief. He still isn’t sure how the hell they’re going to get out of this, and is still far too drunk to scheme a way out of this nightmare, but at least they’re not dealing with a Republican. Luckily, Jonah, ever the politician, extends his hand (a hand which had been halfway down Dan’s pants mere moments ago) to the priest. 

“Jonah Ryan. Pleased to meet you, and thank you for believing in the Meyer-Ryan administration. This is a fine chapel you have here  — ” 

“Father Ben.” The priest stutters, still clearly star shocked. “Thank you, Vice President Ryan. It’s been in my family for ages.” 

“Hard-working families like yours are the backbone to America.” Jonah says, complete bullshit but at least his words aren’t slurring like they were minutes ago when he’d been hard against Dan’s thigh. Dan nods in agreement, tries to look encouraging even though he wants to roll his eyes. 

“Thank you Vice President,” says Father Ben, his eyes so starry that Dan’s surprised he hasn’t broken down into tears yet. “Is that why you’re here?” He looks pointedly at where Jonah was still holding onto Dan’s wrist and through Dan’s drunken haze, he feels the first sharp pin prick of panic. 

“I-Uh-This is Dan.” Jonah settles on, dropping Dan’s wrist to wrap a surprising arm around his waist, tugging him close. Dan all but falls into him, a hand coming to rest on Jonah’s chest and Father Ben beams at the picture they make. “We’re engaged.” 

Dan opens his mouth to protest, because he’s drunk but this?  _ This was Jonah’s spectacular idea?  _ But before he can, Jonah’s hand falls to grab his ass hard, jarring any thought Dan might’ve had. 

“Oh! That’s so wonderful. How long have you been together?” Father Ben asks, oblivious. 

“Almost a year” Jonah says automatically, at the same time Dan says, “We met in the White House during President Hughes’s administration.” 

“Oh” Father Ben says, clearly flummoxed until Dan clarifies with a trained ease, “We’ve been friends from years but didn’t realize our feelings for each other until after Beth left.” He feels Jonah stiffen next to him at the mention of her name. 

“Oh right, Mrs. Ryan.” Father Ben’s eyes widen, “Whatever happened with that?”   
  


“It was a quiet divorce.” Jonah relays, slightly forced. “She wanted things that I couldn’t offer.” Which was an easier way of saying that Beth Ryan had run away with a no-name Canadian farmer who she’d met on OkCupid. A digital extramarital affair, one at which Dan had laughed so hard about when Amy had told him over drinks. The news had made his entire week. 

“I’m sorry, my brother’s wife left him too.” Father Ben says, dripping with pity and Dan watches Jonah grind his teeth. “It’s hard to move on after a thing like that.” He smiles at Dan this time, so genuine that Dan feels sick. “I’m glad you’re not alone.” 

“Yeah, me too” Jonah mutters, so soft that it could almost be real. Besides them, Father Ben beams. 

“So what will it be? The standard elopement package is $175, but for another $50 I’ll throw in a photographer.” 

But before Dan can open his mouth to fake a yawn, Jonah’s pulling out his ridiculous black credit card and grinning, “Fuck yeah, we’ll take the photographer.” 

+

It’s a short ceremony, and Dan realizes half-way through standing across the altar from Jonah Ryan that he probably should’ve said something. But instead his tongue curves around the “I Do” with a practiced ease he promised he’d never let himself have. But Dan’s drunk on something more than the alcohol now, and he knows Jonah feels the same. This whole night of events had unlocked inside him, an urge he didn’t know he’d wanted to scratch until Jonah had decided to scratch it with him. If Jonah’s eyes had been hungry before, Dan didn’t have the words to describe the look he gives Dan as Father Ben pronounces them Husband and Husband. 

“You may now kiss the groom!” Father Ben finally exclaims and Jonah doesn’t hesitate even a second before pulling Dan in by the waist and kissing him with a fervor that was borderline animalistic. Dan can feel Jonah’s hand groping his ass, and he’s distantly aware of the photographer, some college drop-out named Charles, snapping away at them. Dan fucking hates photographers, but then Jonah kisses him again, this time biting at his bottom lip and it all fades to white. 

“Alright, you two. Time to get a hotel room.” Father Ben jokes, after a minute of blushing slightly, gently pulling them away from each other. Jonah takes a small step back from Dan almost as if he just remembered just where they were. “Congratulations, Mr. Vice President. It was an honor to meet you. You both are an incredible couple. ” 

“Thank you, Father Ben.” Jonah says, as he shakes his hand one last time and then because he’s Jonah, adds “Marriage is fucking awesome.” 

Later, when the cheap gold of his ring shines in the elevator mirror as Jonah kisses his neck, Dan hates to admit it but some small, shuddering part of him agrees. 

+

Once they’d made it inside Jonah’s ostentatious presidential suite, already half-dressed, the night was a blur of hands and teeth. Dan knew they were leaving marks on each other, but he couldn’t care not when Jonah was fingering him open, brushing his prostate every few seconds while pressing biting kisses to the inside of Dan’s thighs. 

“You like that, husband?” Jonah mutters, wiggling his eyebrows from in between Dan’s legs. Dan barely has a second to snark “Fuck you” before Jonah’s slipping in another finger and Dan can no longer think straight. 

“Jesus fuck me already, fucking christ” Dan stammers, once Jonah’s three fingers were deep inside him, relentless in their movements. Dan was already starting to see stars, biting down on his tongue to stop himself from coming already. 

“It’s just Jonah,” Jonah quips and Dan rolls his eyes. “But sure thing, Dan. You know, since you asked so nicely.” 

“Get on with it,  _ husband. _ ” Dan sneers, but the words die on his tongue because Jonah’s fingers are leaving him and then he’s being literally split open by Jonah’s enormous cock. “Holy fuck. _ ”  _

“You sure...you sure you’ve done this before?” Jonah grits out, eyes fluttering closed as he finally bottoms out.

“Of course I have, but not everyone has a dick the size of the Washington Monument, Jonah” Dan snarks, but it comes out more breathless than he’d planned as his body learns how to mold itself around all eight inches of Jonah. 

“You think my dick is the size of the Washington Monument?” Jonah asks, grinning as he punctuates his question with a sharp thrust that has Dan moaning.    
  
“It was a j-joke you fucking imbecile  —  oh  _ god. _ ” Dan tries, but it’s too good, somehow the angle is already perfect. Jonah kisses him again, biting into his lower lip all the while moving steady and hard inside him. 

There’s a million tiny alarm bells ringing somewhere inside his head, but right now, with Jonah’s mouth panting against his neck in a manner which should be the furthest thing from sexy, Dan can’t help but close his eyes and fucking enjoy it. 

  
  



End file.
